


Heavier Than My Beats

by mrtvejpes



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: An Ode to Kihyun's Tininess and Jooheon's Thick Thighs, And Other Things That Are Not Tiny But Thick, Bottom Lee Jooheon, Crushes, Dick Jokes, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Showho Are the Kings of Switching, Showkiho and Jookyun Wholesomeness, Thighs, Thirsty Boys Doing Thirsty Things, Top Yoo Kihyun, You've Heard of Accidental Dick Pics - Get Ready for Accidental Dick Praise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 20:15:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17210201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrtvejpes/pseuds/mrtvejpes
Summary: Now I know why his friends call him SharkHis dong?Tis no ordinary dongTis a MEGALODONG





	1. Is He Hung?

**Author's Note:**

> For M.

**Kihyunnie**

Hey.

I would like to preface this by saying that we both know I'm never atrocious to you.

It's always you thirsting in my DMs and I always bear with it, like a good friend.

So I expect you to do the same today. No judgement.

**Hoseokkie**

uh

of course?

what's going on

**Kihyunnie**

I need someone to listen to my thirsting.

I don't think I can keep it in.

**Hoseokkie**

oh god

kihyun

is this real?

**Kihyunnie**

I wish it wasn't.

**Hoseokkie**

i'm –

wait, are you being legit?

 

**Kihyunnie**

Very legit.

 

**Hoseokkie**

is this the day your almighty facade falls?

am I going to witness your gay panic? for real?

**Kihyunnie**

Yeah. I'm sorry in advance.

I feel like crying.

**Hoseokkie**

oh gosh

it's ok lil gayby

let it out

hyung is here

**Kihyunnie**

Okay.

Here it comes.

**Hoseokkie**

i'm

SO ready for this

**Kihyunnie**

Lee Jooheon's thighs.

**Hoseokkie**

IT'S ABOUT LEE JOOHEON OH GOD

yes??????????????

**Kihyunnie**

They are... thick.

**Hoseokkie**

I know right!!

and????

**Kihyunnie**

And I feel like crying.

**Hoseokkie**

you already said that!!

**Kihyunnie**

Yeah.

**Hoseokkie**

wait like

is that it

lee jooheon's thighs are thick

that's the extent of your thirst

**Kihyunnie**

Hoseok, I'm shaking.

**Hoseokkie**

kihyun, the heck

you weak, weak man

I got excited for this

I stopped stroking hyunwoo's hair for this

I'm the one who's shaking

with wrath

**Kihyunnie**

You don't have a single wrathful cell in your body, don't lie.

**Hoseokkie**

now I do

you got me all riled up

and then you let me down

**Kihyunnie**

I'm sorry?

**Hoseokkie**

you said you were going to be atrocious and thirsty

**Kihyunnie**

Are you actually disappointed?

**Hoseokkie**

yes????

like, you should have at least been a lil more detailed

that's just the polite thing to do when you're trying to be nasty

look:

lee jooheon's thighs are thicker than minhyuk's skull

lee jooheon's thighs were sculpted by michelangelo

nicki minaj who

I would kiss the heck out of lee jooheon's thighs

who cares for the iron throne, lee jooheon's thighs are the only throne I want to sit on

can lee jooheon please squeeze my head with those thicc flanks of meat like i'm oberyn martell

can I stick ~my~ thicc flank of meat between those thighs

and so on and so forth

 

**Kihyunnie**

That was... harrowing to read.

I can't talk about my crush like that.

The guy's younger than me. That's just wrong.

**Hoseokkie**

your cRUSH

**Kihyunnie**

Well.

**Hoseokkie**

I MEAN YOU'VE BEEN CHECKING HIM OUT SINCE FOREVER

BUT YOU NEVER ADMITTED YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM

**Kihyunnie**

I fought bravely.

**Hoseokkie**

holy heck

one look at them legsies and you're like this????

ok i'm gonna be nice and count this like proper thirsting

a soft version

but still

**Kihyunnie**

That is very generous of you.

**Hoseokkie**

okay, but

something doesn't add up

you see lee jooheon every day

or at least every other day

I mean it's not like you guys talk, but you see him around

so you know what his thighs look like

what's with the sudden need to tell me how thiqué they are

**Kihyunnie**

Kindly remove “thicc” and “thiqué” from your lexicon when you speak to me.

**Hoseokkie**

someone is mad he's not getting that diqué

**Kihyunnie**

I give up.

**Hoseokkie**

akslgjlag

not but seriously

what happened

**Kihyunnie**

I

**Hoseokkie**

yes????

don't let me down this time kihyun

**Kihyunnie**

I saw him in the locker room.

**Hoseokkie**

okay

**Kihyunnie**

Hoseok, I saw him in the locker room.

We were both undressed.

**Hoseokkie**

(SCREECHES)

**Kihyunnie**

...Yeah.

**Hoseokkie**

is he hung

**Kihyunnie**

I didn't look.

**Hoseokkie**

I TOLD YOU NOT TO DISAPPOINT ME THIS TIME

kihyun this is not how I raised you

**Kihyunnie**

That's it, I'm texting Hyunwoo.

You're not helping. At all.

**Hoseokkie**

oh no you're not

kihyun don't you dare bail on me

kihyun!!!!


	2. Thirst To Me, Son

**Papa's Son**

Hey.

I kind of need your help.

**Son Papa**

It's okay, son. Thirst to me.

**Papa's Son**

Sod off.

**Son Papa**

(⌒▽⌒)

**Papa's Son**

Hoseok already snitched?

**Son Papa**

You know it.

He shrieked right into my ear the second you texted him.

**Papa's Son**

So you know what's going on.

**Son Papa**

Yeah.

How can I help you, though?

**Papa's Son**

Make it go away? Please.

**Son Papa**

Your crush?

**Papa's Son**

Yes.

And the thirst.

Do it.

**Son Papa**

I'm afraid I can't.

You're going to have to ask him out.

**Papa's Son**

He's not into boys.

**Son Papa**

I don't mean to call you dense.

**Papa's Son**

But you're about to call me dense, am I right.

**Son Papa**

Kinda.

You thought that Hoseok and I weren't into boys until last summer, so I wouldn't trust that judgement of yours just yet.

Btw, I really wonder how you never noticed.

I can't sit down without Hoseok pretending I'm his chair.

 

**Papa's Son**

To my defense, he pretends I'm his chair as well.

Hoseok is generally cuddly.

**Son Papa**

you think i'm cuddlie???? aww

**Papa's Son**

Please, control your boyfriend.

**Son Papa**

Tell me how and I will.

>.< not what u said yesterday when I was YOUR chair

Stop scaring our son, Hoseok.

Back to your problem, Kihyun.

**Papa's Son**

Yes. Thanks.

It's...

It's the thighs. But it's also the guy. The whole package.

(No, Hoseok, I did not see his package.)

It's been killing me. (Not that I didn't see his package, but the things I did see.)

I keep thinking about it. I don't think I've stopped thinking about it once this whole afternoon.

I feel like a creep.

**Son Papa**

Why? You find him attractive, that's normal.

He's not that much younger, if that's what's bothering you. He's legal. Goes around partying more often than you do.

You're in the clear here, my friend.

**Papa's Son**

Okay, but imagine you're a straight guy.

**Son Papa**

Unfortunate, but carry on.

**Papa's Son**

And then you catch this thirsty pansy checking you out while you're half-naked.

**Son Papa**

Did he catch you staring?

**Papa's Son**

No! God.

But if I came clean to him now and told him I've been crushing on him for a while, he would know I did it.

He would be so uncomfortable. Like, wouldn't you?

**Son Papa**

I don't know. I'm used to people looking at my body...

**Papa's Son**

Oh.

Of course.

Maybe he'd look back if I was built like you, lmao.

**Son Papa**

Kihyun.

**Papa's Son**

Okay, look.

Thanks for listening.

I'm gonna do something productive now.

Like, ~not~ think about Lee Jooheon's thighs.

**Son Papa**

thicc thighs!!!!

**Papa's Son**

Bye, Hoseok.

Bye, Hyunwoo.

**Son Papa**

Are you sure you don't want to talk some more? Should we come over?

**Papa's Son**

God, no. I'm a mess.

**Son Papa**

Well, that's what friends are for.

To take care of you when you're a mess.

**Papa's Son**

Thanks, but no.

I'll just deal with it by myself.

I don't think I can take being roasted right now on top of things.

**Son Papa**

I can come alone.

**Papa's Son**

Thanks, it's alright.

**Son Papa**

Okay, then.

Text me if you need something.

Alright?

**Papa's Son**

Will do.

Bye.

**Son Papa**

Bye, little one.


	3. It's Heavier Than My Beats

**Lee Jooheon**

Oi, Changkyun

Before I say anything else, let me remind you that I'm never atrocious to you, not even when I see someone really fine

It's always you thirsting in my DMs and I always bear with it, like a good friend

So I expect you to do the same today

Changkyun, you there

 

Oi. This is an emergency

I'm for real

It's been hours and I'm still

Freaking out

 

Fuck it

Just text me when you're there

 

Fuck it for real

I'm just gonna say it

Yoo Kihyun

 

I really don't know how to say it without being ridiculous as fuck, so don't come at me for this

But you called it

From the first day of school, you called it

I didn't believe you

I thought he was

Cute

So his junk has to be cute too, right

Wrong

What's his dick's business being so big like

It's heavier than my beats

Before you freak out, I didn't fuck him. I don't go around, hoeing in the locker room like a certain someone. (Minhyuk. It's Minhyuk. I'm calling HIM out, not you. You are pure and precious, you just need to hydrate yourself, man)

Actually, I didn't even speak to him. To Kihyun, I mean

But I saw his dick

And all of my previous lives flashed in front of my eyes

I was hoping he was tiny

All men do is lie, how are you supposed to not have trust issues

Yoo Kihyun looks like one of those tiny matryoshka dolls, except, like, the tiniest one

Like, the one in the middle? When you take the whole doll apart?

He's so fucking adorable

Have you ever seen him smile

Because I have and it gave me hiccups

But I digress

His

COCK

I'm never gonna sit on it

Not even if he slid into my DMs at this very moment and was like yo

Yo wanna Yoo

Bruh no

I'm never, ever gonna sit on it

Not because I don't want to

But because it WOULDN'T FIT

You said it. You said it, you said that it's always the quiet, scrawny ones and I laughed at you. I thought I was safe thirsting after a smol dude. I was fucking played. I was fooled. I was slapped in the face with a whale dick

Well, not literally

Unfortunately

Jesus Changkyun how can you do this every day, it feels so wrong and desperate

Normally I would just write a song but???? How do you write a song about a schlong

Now I know why his friends call him Shark

His dong?

Tis no ordinary dong

Tis a MEGALODONG

 

Changkyun please respond

Changkyun

I'm losing it

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Oh.

Hey.

You should probably check the contact name.

 

 

**Lee Jooheon**

????

Fuck

Ok peace out

 

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

?


	4. Spill It, Daddy

**Kihyunnie**

Seok.

Something strange happened.

**Hoseokkie**

i'm sulking

**Kihyunnie**

Don't.

You have nothing to sulk about.

**Hoseokkie**

>:(

**Kihyunnie**

Please, don't sulk.

Please.

I need you now.

**Hoseokkie**

huh

you only text me when you need me

**Kihyunnie**

I always need you.

**Hoseokkie**

aslkjgaljgjg

ki

**Kihyunnie**

Seokkie.

**Hoseokkie**

do you think you can just be sweet for a second and I will forget that you were mean to me

do you

you're wrong

i'm a Pisces, we are always hurt for like 14 years

sometimes we're hurt in advance

**Kihyunnie**

I'm sorry I stopped texting you this afternoon.

I couldn't take you making fun of me at that moment.

**Hoseokkie**

it really hurt my feelings

**Kihyunnie**

Forgive me?

There is something I have to tell you and I think you might like it.

**Hoseokkie**

huh

luring me like this, I see you

I see you villain

ok I MIGHT

forgive you

say pretty please tho :<

**Kihyunnie**

Please, baby.

**Hoseokkie**

spill it daddy

**Kihyunnie**

I

Listen, I would blur out the person's name, but it's kinda pointless now, given the context and given everything I've already told you today. You would know who they are regardless.

I'm just going to send the screenshots the way they are.

You can't:

Tell anyone.

Tell Hyunwoo.

Tell our friends.

Tell anyone!

Tell HIM, specifically.

But non-specifically, not anyone.

Not even Hyunwoo.

**Hoseokkie**

>.<

you didn't have to repeat it two thousand times

**Kihyunnie**

Seok, I'm being serious.

Can you promise me?

I'm not showing you anything unless you promise me.

**Hoseokkie**

this is blackmail

**Kihyunnie**

Yes.

**Hoseokkie**

is it at least worth it

**Kihyunnie**

I... think so.

**Hoseokkie**

sigh

look at me being a complete and utter softass

why am I even soft for you :<

**Kihyunnie**

I'm your gayby.

**Hoseokkie**

and this is how you treat your mother

sigh

okay

I promise I won't tell

**Kihyunnie**

Or send the pics forward.

**Hoseokkie**

alskjglakjg!!!!

(＃`Д´)

you win this time yoo kihyun

okay then

I swear

**Kihyunnie**

Hoseok, I trust you in this.

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

**Hoseokkie**

hold up, gotta read first

oh my god it's from jooheon

oh my GOD, is he using the pic you took of him as his profile pic?!

where did he even get it, I thought you only shared it in the group chat

**Kihyunnie**

I honestly have no idea.

[photo sent]

**Hoseokkie**

hold ikj f I

**Kihyunnie**

[photo sent]

**Hoseokkie**

HOW MUCH IS THERE

**Kihyunnie**

[photo sent]

That is all.

**Hoseokkie**

…

huh

…

…

HUH

**Kihyunnie**

Yeah.

Finished reading?

**Hoseokkie**

yep

**Kihyunnie**

And?

**Hoseokkie**

and I must say

that this is the proper way to thirst over someone

**Kihyunnie**

Oh, come on.

**Hoseokkie**

THIS

is dedication

dediccation to dicc

“megalodong” I hate him

i'd only be able to come up with moby dick

**Kihyunnie**

Well.

That aside.

What am I supposed to make of this?

**Hoseokkie**

what do you mean

**Kihyunnie**

I mean.

What does this mean?

**Hoseokkie**

wHaT dOeS tHiS mEaN

**Kihyunnie**

Did you just edit my hair on Spongebob.

**Hoseokkie**

watcha gon do

**Kihyunnie**

Is that why it took you 9 minutes to respond?

**Hoseokkie**

yes

I am also

dediccated

**Kihyunnie**

Does that make me the dicc you're dediccated to?

**Hoseokkie**

I would never call you a dicc :(

ily too much

which is why I have to shake some sense into that tiny lovable body of yours

**Kihyunnie**

Sounds very loving.

**Hoseokkie**

“what does this mean”

okay I am going to break it down to you

step by step

fasten your seatbelt

**Kihyunnie**

Okay?

**Hoseokkie**

he

**Kihyunnie**

…?

**Hoseokkie**

WANTS TO RIDE YOUR DICK WHAT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT IT

HE CHECKED YOUR JUNK

HE CHECKED

HE CALLED YOU CUTE AND ADORABLE

TALKED ABOUT RIDING YOUR THIQUÉ DIQUÉ

HE'S USING THE PIC YOU TOOK OF HIM AS HIS PFP

I am mad

I didn't even know you were hung, what the fuck kihyun

I thought you were

well he said it

**Kihyunnie**

Are we still talking about my problem, or did you find another reason to sulk. :/

**Hoseokkie**

I can multitask

**Kihyunnie**

Listen.

I got carried away for a second too when I read this, but...

Now I think he was just being funny.

**Hoseokkie**

**Kihyunnie**

Ffs, stop editing my hair.

You're not even using the meme correctly.

It should have your hair, not mine.

You're the one who's judging me.

**Hoseokkie**

you said one correct thing today

I am judging you

**Kihyunnie**

Hoseok.

The guy said all of this.

But when I replied to let him know he's been texting to the wrong person, he just.

Ghosted me.

**Hoseokkie**

your point?

**Kihyunnie**

My point?

Sorry.

mY pOiNt?

**Hoseokkie**

aslkjlakjg shut up you floofypie

what IS your point tho

**Kihyunnie**

I just told you.

He ghosted me.

A guy who's interested in me would text back.

No?

**Hoseokkie**

yeah but

**Kihyunnie**

Thus, he's not interested.

He was just making fun of his friend's antics, so he talked like that.

And I was the butt of it.

**Hoseokkie**

ki

kimothy

kihyunardo

I love you

like, a lot

if I wasn't with hyunwoo, you'd be on the list

on the top of it

and on top of me

(you can still be on top of me when I'm on top of hyunwoo, I checked and he's game)

(you can also be on top of him when he's on top of me)

but you're so dumb sometimes

**Kihyunnie**

I'm just going to text Hyunwoo again.

**Hoseokkie**

>:(((((((((((

**Kihyunnie**

I'm not in the mood to be roasted, alright.

I let myself be hopeful for five (5) seconds.

I already roasted myself to fucking ashes by doing that.

You don't have to kindle the flames.

**Hoseokkie**

don't be poetic

I mean it ki you can be

sigh

you can really be a lil thick sometimes

do you know how MORTIFIED he has to be right now

**Kihyunnie**

Why.

**Hoseokkie**

brb gonna edit some hair

**Kihyunnie**

Hoseok, stop.

Talk to me.

Talk to me in a way that I can understand what you're saying.

**Hoseokkie**

alright

pay attention

he just wrote all of this

thinking he was texting his close friend

so he legit had no filter when he typed that whole message

but instead of texting his friend, poor Jooheon sent the most outrageous stuff to his crush instead

(you)

(it's you. you're his crush)

and then his crush

(you, mr yoo)

says

“dude wrong number”

like how would you respond to that

**Kihyunnie**

This is where you're wrong.

He doesn't have a crush on me. He dropped the convo the second I spoke up.

Cearly, he couldn't give less shit.

**Hoseokkie**

he stopped texting becausE HE WAS EMBARRASSED

and because he giVES TOO MUCH SHIT

you weren't supposed to see this

he probably thinks you're weirded out

**Kihyunnie**

I was a little weirded out, tbh. The pun was awful.

**Hoseokkie**

SEE?!

do you get it now

omg kihyun

a few hours ago you couldn't even say anything besides “thighs”

bc you felt so bad for thirsting

how do you think HE feels

you've seen the worst of him

**Kihyunnie**

But I was more pleased than weirded out.

Like, at least for those 5 seconds.

I could already see myself between those thighs.

**Hoseokkie**

but he doesn't know that you chibi chump

**Kihyunnie**

He would know it if he didn't peace the living fuck out of the convo.

**Hoseokkie**

okay look

this is a one-time occasion, understand? I will never give you this advice again bc men are

ugh

**Kihyunnie**

Hoseok, you're a man.

**Hoseokkie**

irrelevant

double text him

**Kihyunnie**

No.

**Hoseokkie**

why not

**Kihyunnie**

It's awkward.

**Hoseokkie**

SEE?!!!!!!!

**Kihyunnie**

Sigh.

What would I even say?

“Hello, are you mayhaps still considering sitting on my dick? It's kind of unoccupied now.”

**Hoseokkie**

kihyunnnn

it's a start

**Kihyunnie**

No.

**Hoseokkie**

why not :<

**Kihyunnie**

What if he just ghosts me again?

**Hoseokkie**

in that case we are dropping his trifling funky ass

if he ghosts you he's a dickhead

**Kihyunnie**

...You swore.

**Hoseokkie**

yes

anything to protecc you

**Kihyunnie**

I don't want to text him, though.

I really don't want to put myself out there like that, Hoseok.

I still think he's straight.

**Hoseokkie**

another advice

read that whole serenade one more time

and tell me this was written by a straightie

do it

say that into my eyes

**Kihyunnie**

These eyes?

**Hoseokkie**

SHUT UPPPPPPPPP

**Kihyunnie**

Okay, listen.

I... will text him.

To let him know I'm not creeped out or anything.

**Hoseokkie**

omg

do it

**Kihyunnie**

I don't think he'll respond, anyway.

**Hoseokkie**

well maybe he won't

for a bit

bc you know :/

he won't know what to say

he probs thinks you're a straightie

so he'll be like, oh, big dick guy is just being polite to clear the air

**Kihyunnie**

Me? A straightie?

Hoseok, I'm in a marching band.

**Hoseokkie**

that's a nasty stereotypization yoo kihyun!!

you really gotta stop coding people like this

you thought that hyunwoo and I were the straightest straights just because we're on the football team

also

if you actually DO text lee jooheon

don't just say stuff like “hey it's ok don't be embarrassed we're all bros here”

**Kihyunnie**

...Why not?

**Hoseokkie**

because you will friendzone yourself!! duh!!

be honest with him

tell him he's free to ride that dicc

**Kihyunnie**

No.

**Hoseokkie**

do it and thank me later

**Kihyunnie**

I am so not doing that.

**Hoseokkie**

an acute representation of me being dead tired trying to prove my point here

 

**Kihyunnie**

Me @ me.

**Hoseokkie**

me-me

meme

**Kihyunnie**

No.

**Hoseokkie**

:3

text him lil bish

**Kihyunnie**

Alright! I will.

Jesus.

I feel like crying again.

**Hoseokkie**

so do I

I can't wait for you two to go official

omg imagine that

a big jockish underground rapper whose favourite word is cock

and you, the local deacon's son

**Kihyunnie**

I've dated rappers before, you know.

**Hoseokkie**

yoongi doesn't count

he's soft

**Kihyunnie**

He spits fire, though.

**Hoseokkie**

he's still a softass babie

and before you say anything

gunhee doesn't count either, you guys just hooked up a couple of times

oh my god wait

i'm onto something

do you perhaps

have a type

**Kihyunnie**

Stop.

**Hoseokkie**

KIHYUNNN

do you like them mouthy

**Kihyunnie**

I am unfollowing you.

**Hoseokkie**

not before I find out what he replied >:(

**Kihyunnie**

Oh, god.

I texted him.

Oh, no.

Oh...

**Hoseokkie**

what?? what????

**Kihyunnie**

Nothing.

I should have expected this.

**Hoseokkie**

lakjgg why

what

what did he sAY

**Kihyunnie**

Nothing.

**Hoseokkie**

??

**Kihyunnie**

He blocked me.

**Hoseokkie**

he wHAT NOW

**Kihyunnie**

He blocked me.

**Hoseokkie**

I can read ffs I am asking for details!!

kihyun what did you do

what did you say to him that he blocked you

**Kihyunnie**

…

“Yo, wanna Yoo?”

**Hoseokkie**

KIHYUN NO AKLSJGKLAJG

**Kihyunnie**

It's okay. The message didn't reach him. I was already blocked by the time I tried to send it.

That's one positive thing about today, huh.

My shame can stay hidden.

**Hoseokkie**

why would he block you what the heck

he can't be that embarrassed

can he

**Kihyunnie**

I knew it.

I told you so.

I told you. I told Hyunwoo.

I knew he was straight and just fucking around.

**Hoseokkie**

nu-oh

don't you even go there

I refuse to believe that

there has to be an explanation for this

let's contact him some other way and find out

**Kihyunnie**

An exquisite plan in which I intend to have 0 share.

**Hoseokkie**

look

here's what we're gonna do

i'll text him

**Kihyunnie**

It will be the last thing you do.

**Hoseokkie**

>__<

**Kihyunnie**

Be good.

**Hoseokkie**

I just want to know what's his problem!!

no one scorns my kihyunnie!!

**Kihyunnie**

Maybe he's allergic to big cocks.

(dabs)

**Hoseokkie**

slkdgjlks

no!!

this is no laughing matter

he's being mean for no reason

and i'm mad that I told you to double text him

what kind of friend am I

**Kihyunnie**

The best kind.

**Hoseokkie**

**Kihyunnie**

Don't go soft on me because then I'll go soft and I will think about Jooheon's precious fucking aegyo and how I'll never be allowed to see it up close.

Great, I'm thinking about Jooheon's aegyo.

Listen, it's been a blast and all.

But I'm going to bed.

It's late.

Everything is sad.

My ego is bleeding.

**Hoseokkie**

Ki, don't

let's watch funny videos together before you go to sleep

it will put you in a better mood

I will send you silly selcas

those with multiple chins you like so much

**Kihyunnie**

Tempting.

But I just want to think in peace.

I don't feel like laughing. I shall go and mourn those thick thighs which are forever lost to me.

**Hoseokkie**

that doesn't sound nice

**Kihyunnie**

You know what sounds nice?

You're still the owner of my heart.

**Hoseokkie**

SCREECH

i'll take that :<

**Kihyunnie**

Thank you for listening to me today.

**Hoseokkie**

i'm sorry for roasting you a lil

**Kihyunnie**

It's okay. I deserved it.

Goodnight, floofycake.

**Hoseokkie**

goodnight, floofypie

:(


	5. How Dare You Use Nicki Minaj Sunbaenim Against Me

**Baby Hyung**

Bury me, I'm a dumb dildo

**He is who he is**

where do you want that dildo buried

**Baby Hyung**

Fck

Where have you been this whole time

**He is who he is**

here

**Baby Hyung**

Thank you for the exhaustive answer

Listen man, I need some empathy

I fucked up

So bad

So, so bad

On a scale from “forgetting your own lyrics on stage” to “accidentally calling the coach dad in front of the rest of the team,” I'm “poor white people voting for Trump and then being shooketh that they've lost their health care benefits”

That's how bad I

FUCKED

Up

Changkyun, I literally have to switch schools

**He is who he is**

sounds adventurous

what happened

last time I checked, you weren't failing any subjects

**Baby Hyung**

It's not a matter of academics

It's the matter of dropping dead if I ever meet Yoo Kihyun face to face again

Which happens, like, every other day

I'd rather not die three times a week, thanks

Can I switch schools?

You've switched schools before

How did you do it

**He is who he is**

my parents moved from boston to korea

**Baby Hyung**

Sounds a little costly

I can maybe move to Itaewon

**He is who he is**

just to avoid yoo kihyun?

what did your sweet sweet imaginary boyfriend do this time to send you into gay panic?

did he get another haircut?

**Baby Hyung**

No

Not that it would matter

Nothing beats purple Yoo anyway

He is Supreme

**He is who he is**

well

methinks he would rock the colour you're wearing now

**Baby Hyung**

Oh, god

Kink: unlocked

**He is who he is**

heck, right?

shit

I just sent my own self into gay panic

over your crush

my mind

**Baby Hyung**

I'm not in gay panic, though

I'm just

In panic

**He is who he is**

and

are you going to tell me why or

**Baby Hyung**

Yes

Rip

I got distracted

By Yoo Kihyun

While talking about Yoo Kihyun

**He is who he is**

jooheon culture

**Baby Hyung**

Actually

Jooheon culture is totally sabotaging the chance that his crush will ever say as much as “Hi” to him

And we all know that he is the politest guy on this planet

**He is who he is**

why

did he find out that you don't recycle

**Baby Hyung**

No

**He is who he is**

what then

**Baby Hyung**

Whatever you're imagining, it's worse

**He is who he is**

?

**Baby Hyung**

Ten thousand times worse

And then some

**He is who he is**

okay, let me rephrase my curiosity

???

**Baby Hyung**

Is this the sympathy I was asking for

Be a little invested

**He is who he is**

okay but

what am I being invested in

**Baby Hyung**

Right, fuck

It's

Rip

I will just send you the screenshots

**He is who he is**

k

**Baby Hyung**

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

**He is who he is**

you said screenshots

not war and peace

**Baby Hyung**

[photo sent]

**He is who he is**

you had to have the last word, didn't you

**Baby Hyung**

Read now

Be sarcastic later

**He is who he is**

WHY were you texting yoo kihyun

you can't even look him in the eye irl

**Baby Hyung**

Read

**He is who he is**

oh. jfc.

you are correct. I sure as fuck called it. I told you

these tiny neat freaks

with small flowery doll hands

**Baby Hyung**

Yeah...

**He is who he is**

are always packing that kind of meat that would make a vegetarian cry

**Baby Hyung**

But HOW

**He is who he is**

it's justice

imagine you're god

would you sleep soundly if you knew you created a man who really has nothing to offer

**Baby Hyung**

So

Yoo Kihyun's dick is like a celestial afterthought

**He is who he is**

i'd suggest you stop calling your crush's junk weird names

you've already taken the cake with that pun

**Baby Hyung**

Did you at least laugh

**He is who he is**

yeah

at your expense

**Baby Hyung**

Damn

So there's 0 chance that he might find it at least a little bit funny, right

**He is who he is**

the pun itself, or the fact that you spied on his junk in the locker room?

may I add: the very same locker room which he'll have to use until the end of the semester, in the least

knowing you might be lurking around

peeking

**Baby Hyung**

**He is who he is**

lmao

don't go to itaewon, I would miss you

it won't be that bad

as you said, kihyun is the politest guy

just walk up to him and say you were being extra and that you're sorry. he'll get it

he doesn't strike me as a homophobe

**Baby Hyung**

That's not the issue

I know he's not

He's best friends with Hyunwoo and Hoseok

I've seen him sit on their laps

I've seen them sit on his lap

(How to be Hyunwoo and Hoseok, though)

But how the fuck am I ever gonna live this down

**He is who he is**

by saying sorry?

like I just told you?

**Baby Hyung**

He won't even look at me

**He is who he is**

he will look at you

he's decent like that

it just might not be the most pleasant look

**Baby Hyung**

You don't seem to get it

My life is ruined

**He is who he is**

could've been your butthole

**Baby Hyung**

Oh my god, it really could have

How can this

Be packing a cock like this

**He is who he is**

are those tiny people in the corner

hyung lmaooo

I guess it's because this

can also be this

**Baby Hyung**

WHAT THE FUCK

**He is who he is**

what

**Baby Hyung**

WHAT IS THIS

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS

WHY IS HE LIKE THIS

**He is who he is**

chill?

he just uploaded them

captioned “blue”

he's not even wearing blue

**Baby Hyung**

“Them” !!!

More than one?

Changkyun, is there more than one?

**He is who he is**

why the heck are you asking me, you follow him too

go and check

**Baby Hyung**

I

**He is who he is**

what

what is it again

**Baby Hyung**

Remember when I said I fucked up

**He is who he is**

...yes

**Baby Hyung**

Well

I wasn't lying

I panicked

**He is who he is**

so i've heard

**Baby Hyung**

And I blocked him

**He is who he is**

you blocked him

**Baby Hyung**

I blocked him

**He is who he is**

you were wondering what to do to fix this whole mess

**Baby Hyung**

Yes

**He is who he is**

and after a thorough consideration

during which you weighed all your options

you blocked him

**Baby Hyung**

Exactly

**He is who he is**

because that was the best thing to do

**Baby Hyung**

I'm glad we're on the same page

**He is who he is**

oh, honey

we're not even in the same book

**Baby Hyung**

…

Try to put yourself in my shoes

What would you do in a situation like that

**He is who he is**

I would

**Baby Hyung**

Yes?

**He is who he is**

probably

**Baby Hyung**

Yes???

**He is who he is**

say sorry

**Baby Hyung**

Fick

**He is who he is**

before blocking him

**Baby Hyung**

So you would block him!

**He is who he is**

if he said I was making him uncomfortable, yeah

it would kinda call for a nice thick mutual block

but

**Baby Hyung**

But?

**He is who he is**

he didn't say he was uncomfortable

the poor priest guy didn't even get to say his polite little hello

**Baby Hyung**

That's it. He hates me now

I didn't say hello either

**He is who he is**

a strong claim

but i'd say that if he really hates you, it might be more because you snitched about his dick size, spied on him changing in the first place, and then blocked his ass like it was all his fault

**Baby Hyung**

I hate myself

**He is who he is**

a claim I cannot dispute at this moment

**Baby Hyung**

I can't even unblock him now

He'll know I did it either way

He'll just have the opportunity to confront me about it

You know I crack when people confront me

**He is who he is**

another claim I cannot dispute

you whine a lot when you deal with unpleasant things

but hey

maybe he likes whiners

**Baby Hyung**

He better, because that dick is definitely not one that inspires silence

**He is who he is**

it inspires violence

**Baby Hyung**

And panic

**He is who he is**

it's organic

**Baby Hyung**

Can you not

**He is who he is**

lol

just to get things straight

even if he wasn't

(you know, straight)

and if he wasn't possibly weirded out by you

and offended that you blocked him

**Baby Hyung**

Oh, god

**He is who he is**

you'd still pass on him because he's too hung?

**Baby Hyung**

I...

**He is who he is**

can I have him then

**Baby Hyung**

What the fuck

NO

**He is who he is**

why not

**Baby Hyung**

HE WOULD SPLIT YOU IN HALF

**He is who he is**

he can't be that big

**Baby Hyung**

Don't fight me on this

That thing

Would probably look normal to impressive on guys like his two bffs

**He is who he is**

oh boy

**Baby Hyung**

But on lil Yoo Ki

**He is who he is**

I get it

**Baby Hyung**

My buns want none if you have an anaconda like this

**He is who he is**

so I can have him

**Baby Hyung**

NO

What's with this sudden interest omg

 

**He is who he is**

first, he's cute

**Baby Hyung**

He really is >:(

**He is who he is**

second, he's texting me

**Baby Hyung**

What

**He is who he is**

he's texting me

with his extremely slutty new profile pic

**Baby Hyung**

SluTTY

SEND

**He is who he is**

can't

too busy talking to the real thing

**Baby Hyung**

CHANGKYUN I SWEAR

WHAT IS HE TEXTING YOU

IS HE TALKING ABOUT ME

**He is who he is**

who knows

**Baby Hyung**

CHANGKYUN IS HE HITTING ON YOU

**He is who he is**

david bowie – god only knows.mp3

unblock him and ask

**Baby Hyung**

Are you even my best friend?!!

**He is who he is**

yes

which is why I am putting an end to your foolishness

**Baby Hyung**

I'm not being foolish!

**He is who he is**

gosh, he's really sweet

**Baby Hyung**

CHAKNSGGUN NO

**He is who he is**

I think I'm gonna keep him

**Baby Hyung**

You can't, he will break your ass!

You haven't even held hands with a guy yet smh stop being so extreme Changkyun

Start small

**He is who he is**

he is

small

also, he looks like the kind of guy who would just eat me out every day and praise ME for it if I said that's all we're gonna do

eat that ass like a cupcake, like nicki minaj sunbaenim says

**Baby Hyung**

First of all, how dare you use Nicki sunbaenim against me

And second of all

Do you really think so?

**He is who he is**

is this the face of a man who would say no to his baby

**Baby Hyung**

My tongue is gone, I can't speak

Is THIS his new profile pic?!

Fuck I could

I could write forty thousand songs about it

I could write one thousand just about his mouth

Why is it always half open

Changkyun. Sweetie. Cover your ears

I have to be outrageous again

**He is who he is**

haven't you learned your lesson yet

**Baby Hyung**

What's with this sudden shaming

It's just the two of us, rip, let a man vent

My heart is bleeding

**He is who he is**

go on then

**Baby Hyung**

Ok here I go

@ Yoo Kihyun

Sit on me

Omg, I bet he weighs nothing, I could cuddle him like I cuddle my kittens

**He is who he is**

I am screenshotting this

**Baby Hyung**

IM DANIEL CHANGKYUN!!!!

**He is who he is**

chill

I wouldn't snitch on you, you can manage that p well by yourself

**Baby Hyung**

T_T

**He is who he is**

actually, he is sending me some quite interesting screenshots himself

**Baby Hyung**

What

Why

Of what

**He is who he is**

he said he would have sent them to you personally, but

see

**Baby Hyung**

Oh no

**He is who he is**

there was this tiny hitch in his plan

**Baby Hyung**

Oh NO

He knows

**He is who he is**

yep

**Baby Hyung**

How did he even find out so fast I

Wait a minute

Are you saying that he... tried to DM me

???

After the whole debacle

And after I blocked him?

**He is who he is**

I would say it is heavily implied, yes, that he truly did try to do just that

and failed terribly, seeing that he's texting me instead of you

smh

i'm really proud that people know your and I are best friends though

even your crush who is a few years older and doesn't talk to us at all knows he has to hit me up of all people

i'm warm

**Baby Hyung**

Not to be unwholesome, but right now I'm kind of busy thinking about why in the motherfuck would Yoo Kihyun message me after all that bs I pulled

I mean, besides to scold me

I goddamn hate being scolded

You know how sensitive I get when people yell at me

But I would let him

Scold me, lil Ki

**He is who he is**

lil ki is asking me to forward the screenshots to you

but I told him I am not going to support your little-bitchness

thus

either you unblock the dude, or perish

**Baby Hyung**

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

I mean I know he hasn't done anything wrong and didn't deserve the block, but can you for once be on my side

Do you know how mortifying this is

**He is who he is**

i'm on your side

which is why i'm telling you to unblock

**Baby Hyung**

I will sooner impale myself on that cock

**He is who he is**

I mean

that's the point

unblocking its owner is step one

**Baby Hyung**

Funny

**He is who he is**

i'm not joking

**Baby Hyung**

Why are you still shipping us, this is desperate even for me, bro

He hates me

**He is who he is**

yeaaaah, no

**Baby Hyung**

He's disgusted and weirded out

And straight

**He is who he is**

disputable

you know how he frequents hoseok and hyunwoo's laps and they frequent his?

**Baby Hyung**

Yes, I

K-n-o-w

I think about it often, sadly, and usually mid-wank

**He is who he is**

did you know that he used to do that with yoongi and gun too?

this lap-sitting thing

**Baby Hyung**

How would you know

Jesus fuck Changkyun

What are you two talking about!!

What are you asking him!!

**He is who he is**

nothing

the regular stuff

whether he likes kittens and rap music

(he likes kittens and also puppies and apparently he's been to yoongi's concerts before)

(and gun's)

(and yours)

(but not mine, i'm no longer warm)

also

other mundane questions, like

whether he likes cock

**Baby Hyung**

**He is who he is**

wink

**Baby Hyung**

You didn't ask him

Did you?

Does he?

Like it?

Omg, don't answer. Let me live in a dream

**He is who he is**

again, the real deal is kinda better than your dreams

because he does

like it

**Baby Hyung**

Are you taking the piss

Is HE taking the piss?!

**He is who he is**

don't think so

because

(and here I am quoting the love of your life verbatim)

“Actually, it would be rather complicated if I didn't. I've had boyfriends before.”

**Baby Hyung**

HE'S HAD

**He is who he is**

boyfriends

one of which was yoongi?? whoa

I see he has a type

smh why do I always get the short straw, I rap too

come through kihyun

**Baby Hyung**

More like come inside, Kihyun

Rip

No

I can't believe you asked him that, what if he got really offended

**He is who he is**

well, I asked, and he didn't get offended

he's pretty chill?

like, for a deacon's son

I think I should keep in touch with him, he's got this adorable sandpaper-dry sense of humor

like an uncle

**Baby Hyung**

I'm fucking sobbing here

**He is who he is**

so he's single

**Baby Hyung**

STOP ASKING HIM

**He is who he is**

I confronted him about having a type and he said

I quote

**Baby Hyung**

No more quotes jfc

Do you think I haven't suffered enough

I don't want to hear him say that he likes guys who are not like me at all

**He is who he is**

“You and my best friend have both mentioned the same thing to me within the span of two hours. I suppose I do, as Hoseok puts it, like them mouthy.”

**Baby Hyung**

HE DID NOT SAY THAT

**He is who he is**

I would show you the receipts but

you're still being a coward

so i'm keeping this receipt

along with kihyun's receipts

cersei was right, power is power

**Baby Hyung**

Power changed you

And what do you even MEAN, Kihyun's receipts

**He is who he is**

oh

you know

remember when you thirsted

**Baby Hyung**

Vividly

**He is who he is**

so

yeah

he thirsted back

**Baby Hyung**

He thirsted back

**He is who he is**

he thirsted back

**Baby Hyung**

He read what I wrote

Gayly

Because he is gay

And he thirsted back

**He is who he is**

he thirsted back

but in reverse order

because from what he's telling me, he did it first

so, technically

you thirsted back

**Baby Hyung**

I thirsted back

**He is who he is**

you thirsted back

 

**Baby Hyung**

He thirsted FIRST

**He is who he is**

this is getting repetitive

**Baby Hyung**

Fuck

But I blocked him

**He is who he is**

again, we've already discussed that. repetitive.

**Baby Hyung**

Changkyun

Dearest

My only friend

Pal

Bro

Bruh

My fellow thirster

**He is who he is**

yes, hyung

**Baby Hyung**

Why

Why did he thirst

**He is who he is**

I don't understand the question

**Baby Hyung**

Yes you fickin do

You know very well what I'm asking

**He is who he is**

oh you mean

does he have a crush on you?

**Baby Hyung**

KALJSLJGJAGJAJGJGJGGJJ

…

Does he?

**He is who he is**

dunno

**Baby Hyung**

Omg aSK HIM

**He is who he is**

omg jooheon

I can't just ask a guy if he has a crush on someone

**Baby Hyung**

YOU ASKED HIM IF HE LIKED COCK

**He is who he is**

and oh boy, does he like it

**Baby Hyung**

I AM SUFFERING DANIEL

**He is who he is**

so he said

verbatim

**Baby Hyung**

OMG DID YOU LITERALLY ASK HIM

**He is who he is**

“With those thighs, there could be a lot of crushing involved.”

**Baby Hyung**

HE

DID

NOT

**He is who he is**

he is...

perfect, what the fuck

**Baby Hyung**

Changkyun get off his dick!!

**He is who he is**

*on

**Baby Hyung**

I AM UNBLOCKING HIM

**He is who he is**

no, I don't want you to be mature and wise anymore

stay away

I claim him

him AND his slutty pfp

the whole package

and his package

**Baby Hyung**

Like fUCK

**He is who he is**

like, I would like to fuck

**Baby Hyung**

I UNBLOCKED

**He is who he is**

damn

but

wasn't that hard, was it

**Baby Hyung**

F...

**He is who he is**

what

what is it again

**Baby Hyung**

He texted me

**He is who he is**

yes

that's what i've been saying

**Baby Hyung**

He

Gosh

**He is who he is**

what

was he cute

jooheon, was he dorky

tell me

I want to leech off your happiness

**Baby Hyung**

He kills me

What the fick, he can't be the deacon's son

He's too

Too

**He is who he is**

too into yoo

**Baby Hyung**

Shut up ffs you are so close man

I dunno about into me but

He definitely IS chill

**He is who he is**

what did hE TEXT YOU

**Baby Hyung**

“Yo, wanna Yoo?”

**He is who he is**

insert that lady gaga screeching tweet

**Baby Hyung**

Insert it all, Ki

**He is who he is**

sUDDENLY

**Baby Hyung**

Be quiet, he used my pick up line, he used it, he used it

He thinks I'm at least moderately funny

I hope??

Otherwise he wouldn't have used it

Right??

Okay, this might not be absolutely terrible

Perhaps I should

Reply

What do you think

I mean

The whole thing might not be as mortifying as I thought

Right????

He used that line, he MUST have found it adorbs

**He is who he is**

or

he might be mocking you

**Baby Hyung**

Omg you're right, he's probably mocking me

I'm blocking him again

**He is who he is**

if you click

i'm sitting on his dick

you are not my bro

if you pass this opportunity to be a ho

**Baby Hyung**

That is possibly the worst pair of bars you've ever spat

**He is who he is**

wasn't exactly trying to be Jessi here

i'm serious man, if you block him again, i'm stealing him

he's probably tinier than me

I could physically steal him

**Baby Hyung**

But what if he's really just mocking me

**He is who he is**

well

maybe start casual

no heart eyes yet

**Baby Hyung**

Casual

Yeah

Okay

I can do that

**He is who he is**

preferably don't mention his megalodong right away

**Baby Hyung**

I'd rather let it clog my throat before talking about it in front of Yoo Kihyun

(Again)

**He is who he is**

attaboy

**Baby Hyung**

Shut

Alright, rip

I'm texting him

**He is who he is**

you're texting him?!

**Baby Hyung**

I'm texting him

Wish me luck, Dannyboy

**He is who he is**

good luck, honeypot


	6. I Can't Breathe

****

**Lee Jooheon**

Yo

I mean, hello

Hi

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Yo to yourself.

**Lee Jooheon**

Ahaha

Hey

Yo, man

I'm just really quickly going to address the elephant in the room, okay?

Sorry about the whole

You know

And about doing

You know what

I didn't mean to offend you or weird you out

Or those other things

I'm not super eloquent when I'm nervous, but I mean it, I'm sorry about it

You obviously weren't supposed to read all that nonsense

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

It's alright. I understand.

Just to clear things up, though.

You weren't trying to clown me, were you?

**Lee Jooheon**

God, no

I was just being extra lmao

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Oh.

**Lee Jooheon**

Yeah

I really hope you're not too uncomfortable even talking to me

I know I would be

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Don't worry, I'm not uncomfortable.

**Lee Jooheon**

Thank god

So

Are we good?

Again, sorry for making you read all that stuff

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Apology accepted.

**Lee Jooheon**

Thanks, man

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

No problem.

**Lee Jooheon**

So, uh

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Yes?

**Lee Jooheon**

We're cool now

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I'd say so, yes.

**Lee Jooheon**

Alright

Good to know

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

[ok hand sign emoji]

**Lee Jooheon**

Can I ask you something, tho

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Go ahead.

**Lee Jooheon**

Why did you text Changkyun?

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Well.

I reckoned I better get a hold of you so we can clear things up.

I dislike unfinished business. Keeps me up at nights.

I hope I didn't impose too much, but the two of you seem close and I had no idea who else to turn to.

He's a sweet kid, by the way.

**Lee Jooheon**

He'd bust a nut if he heard you say that

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I'm screenshotting this and sending it to him.

**Lee Jooheon**

NO

WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL IN CAHOOTS

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Don't worry. I'm just teasing you.

Changkyun tells me you are easy to tease.

**Lee Jooheon**

Don't even joke about this

Also

I'm really sorry for all those question he's been asking

I kept telling him not to do it, but he's

Changkyun

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

It's alright. He's a funny fella.

Reminds me of my English nephew.

By the way, I didn't mean to embarrass you by reaching out.

Quite on the contrary.

**Lee Jooheon**

Huh

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Huh?

**Lee Jooheon**

Sorry I

“Quite on the contrary?”

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Yes, well.

If anything, ~I'm~ probably going to be the one who's embarrassed by the end of this.

Still, I think it's fair for you to see what I wrote about you, since I saw what you wrote about me. You know. To even out the score.

I'm not sure how much Changkyun has told you, though.

**Lee Jooheon**

Well he

Mentioned something about receipts?

But like, knowing him, he could've been fucking with me

Which would make sense, bc he tried to tell me that you

You know

Thirsted back

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Ah.

That is correct.

**Lee Jooheon**

Wait, what?

You thirsted?

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I... well.

**Lee Jooheon**

But

Like

Why, tho

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Why do people thirst?

**Lee Jooheon**

No

The question should be

Why does Yoo Kihyun thirst

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

One might say it's because he's thirsty.

**Lee Jooheon**

Bro

BUT WHY

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Before I answer.

You keep calling me “bro” and “man” and stuff.

Does that mean that I am in the bro-zone?

**Lee Jooheon**

Before I answer THAT

Do you want to be in any other zone

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Well.

**Lee Jooheon**

Suddenly there's no ozone

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

?

**Lee Jooheon**

I can't breathe

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

You realize, I hope, that people breathe oxygen, not ozone.

**Lee Jooheon**

Yeah, but oxygen doesn't rhyme with zone, duh

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Oh. I see.

Is this a rapper thing?

**Lee Jooheon**

It's a “don't change the subject, Yoo Kihyun” thing

WHAT ZONE –

Okay, wait, lemme calm down. Let's look at it this way

I know that Changkyun asked you about all kinds of stuff

(Even tho I tried to stop him)

And I also know that he also asked you this one thing in particular

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

The cock thing?

**Lee Jooheon**

AKSJG HYUNG NO

But close

I mean, it's implied

Or included

Or whatever

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

“Hyung.”

Am I in the hyung-zone, then?

**Lee Jooheon**

Again

IS THERE ANY OTHER ZONE YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE IN

And sorry for shouting but man

You are making me nervous

Like, I feel this real-life, fear-fueled, crippling nervousness when I talk to you

Because I've already done so many dumb things today and I can't shake off the feeling that I keep doing more

For you to see

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

...But you're so suave?

**Lee Jooheon**

I literally just keep yelling and making an ass out of myself, what is suave about it omg

Like, it's not really visible today, but I swear I have some charisma

Usually

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Yes, you do.

**Lee Jooheon**

Ffs

Hyung

Can I call you hyung

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Permission granted.

**Lee Jooheon**

Fffffffffs

Okay

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Can I call you by your first name?

**Lee Jooheon**

Please

Go ahead

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

So.

Jooheon.

In what zone exactly do you want me?

**Jooheon**

That was not the initial question tho!!!!

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Now it is.

**Jooheon**

No, I should be asking YOU

You haven't even shown me those famed receipts yet

I'm not gonna risk and open my big dumb mouth ever again

Until I see them

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Oh. Fair trade. I respect that.

**Jooheon**

So are you sending them??

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

One more thing.

How serious were you?

**Jooheon**

About what

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

About the Love Song of Yoo Kihyun's Cock.

**Jooheon**

YOU CAN'T JUST ASK PEOPLE

…

Oh fuck it

Very

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Swell.

Do you prefer just cropped, out-of-context lines? Or should I send you the whole convo?

I don't mind doing either, because at this point, I really want things to be clear between us.

**Jooheon**

Did you just say swell

Like an uncle

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Whatcha gon do.

**Jooheon**

That's such a Changkyun thing to say, stop talking to him!! He'll ruin you for me

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

“He'll ruin you for me.”

Oh.

**Jooheon**

Anygay

*Anyway!!!!

The receipts

Give me everything you have

You said fair trade

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

As you wish.

**Jooheon**

Fick you're really so old-fashioned when you speak

It's

Cute

Rip

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

When you're the hyung, but he still calls you cute.

**Jooheon**

If you don't shut t tkosj t ao

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I shall. Briefly. So you can read.

Also, I'll understand if I'm no longer cute once you've read this mess.

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

[photo sent]

And, last but not least.

[photo sent]

**Jooheon**

It's

Long

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

So is my dick.

**Jooheon**

AKSLJGA WE BOTH KNOW IT'S MORE ON THE THICK SIDE

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Rip.

**Jooheon**

Yeah, literally

RIP

Ok brb let me read this

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Rip pt. 2.

**Jooheon**

Sounds like my new song

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I love this song.

**Jooheon**

Explain

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

...Is it not self-explanatory?

**Jooheon**

No lil hyung

You better

Spill it

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

LIL HYUNG.

**Jooheon**

NO MORE STALLING WHEN I ASK YOU A QUESTION

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

It wasn't really a question, per se.

From the point of view of John Austin's speech act theory, it was a clear command with an imperative structure.

**Jooheon**

Yoo Kihyun

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Damn.

Here he goes again.

Being all “stage Jooheon.”

**Jooheon**

I –

Please, Kihyun

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Oh, heck.

So I've consulted the Macmillan Dictionary and according to my research, a crush is:

**Jooheon**

Crush my little lungs

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Off topic, but are you quoting a Triple One song... while being punny?

**Jooheon**

I

Yes

Hold up, how do you even know Triple One

Are you really into rap

Or just rappers

Oh god, am I just a fetish to you

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

From crushes to fetishes.

Interesting.

**Jooheon**

Sorry, jfc

I'm really useless right now

Back to crushing, please

Keep explaining

(You should also include an explanation regarding the kind of crushing you talked about with my pest of a best friend)

(You know what I mean. The thigh-crushing kind)

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

…

I shall throttle Im Changkyun.

Please, I'm so sorry. I said it in a spur of a moment.

Sometimes I can't resist a pun, no matter how awful it is.

I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with any... advances.

**Jooheon**

Hyunnnggggggggg

What the heck

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

So, I was right.

This is mortifying.

**Jooheon**

IS IT

WHAT AM / I / SUPPOSED TO SAY

DID YOU ALREADY FORGET

ABOUT MY SHAME

Actually jfc yes, forget it, erase it from your memory

Wipe it clean

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I don't want to.

**Jooheon**

Why!

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Because.

**Jooheon**

Should I “Yoo Kihyun” you again

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Perhaps you should.

**Jooheon**

Answer, Yoo Kihyun

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

I would, but.

I feel like I keep giving you answers, and yet I am not getting any.

**Jooheon**

>:(

Right back at you, hyung

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

We're stuck then.

**Jooheon**

Or

You could answer me

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

Or.

You could answer me for a change, because I've already bared it all.

I mean, literally.

You've seen my gay panic AND my dick.

I can't bare myself any more.

**Jooheon**

F**k

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

So.

Am I in the bro-zone?

**Jooheon**

Yeah

Sure you are

In this kind of bro-zone

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

OH MY GOD.

**Jooheon**

LSAKJKALJFKAFALS

PLEASE KEEP TALKING TO ME

REMEMBER

CHARISMA

IT'S THERE SOMEWHERE

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

IT SURE IS.

Christ, Lee Jooheon.

**Jooheon**

Don't call me by my full name alksjga it's making me

Not good

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

A good kind of not good?

**Jooheon**

This shouldn't even make sense but

Yeah

Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun

**Goddamn, Yoo Kihyun**

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “GODDAMN, YOO KIHYUN.”

I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING, IT WAS YOUR MEME!

**Jooheon**

Technically, it was Changkyun's meme

Bless his soul

**Lil Ki**

Of course it was.

Bless him, truly.

He saved us.

**Jooheon**

He did :<

Don't rip my mouth with it, tho

I kind of need that mouth

I'm a rapper, after all

**Lil Ki**

Don't rip your mouth with what?

Oh.

Ohhh.

Gosh.

**Jooheon**

Yep

That

T_T

**Lil Ki**

I will try.

If you really...?

**Jooheon**

Yeah

I really

Really

Yeah

**Lil Ki**

God.

Okay.

Because if this really means you fancy me back, I...

I fancied you first.

Still do.

I fancy you.

No screenshots, no he-said-she-said. Just me. And you.

**Jooheon**

I

Holy shit

GOOD, BECAUSE

I do fancy you. A lot. As you may have noticed

You and your cock both, even tho I still feel spectacularly HAD about its size

://

Break my jaw with it and we're through, btw

Omg the Jaws

Is THAT why they call you Shark

**Lil Ki**

NO.

Jooheon, I swear.

Alright, we.

We could maybe.

Start by warmly saying hello to each other at school before you meet the Jawbreaker.

**Jooheon**

THE JAWBREAKER I HATE YOU

But yes

Please

That sounds like a good plan

;_; I want to talk to you irl

**Lil Ki**

I want to talk to you, too.

I might be a little shy, but I will try.

And then I could maybe.

Ask you out?

**Jooheon**

You mean, if you conclude that my way of greeting you is acceptable according to rules of proper etiquette?

**Lil Ki**

Well, you know.

You can be as crude as you choose.

Hoseok was right.

I like them mouthy.

**Jooheon**

****


	7. You Happened

**Lil Ki**

I have a question, though.

**Joohoney**

Fire away, lil Ki

**Lil Ki**

Where did you get that picture?

The one you were using as your pfp?

**Joohoney**

From Minhyuk

Why?

**Lil Ki**

Well.

Because I took it.

**Joohoney**

YOU took it

**Lil Ki**

Yes. And shared in a group chat when I was crying over you.

Along with these.

 

**Joohoney**

Sweet good FUCK

I'm hot

**Lil Ki**

(╥_╥)

Tell me about it.

**Joohoney**

You really

REALLY

Have a thing for my thighs, don't you

**Lil Ki**

It appears so.

Sigh.

When will I ride them.

Or better.

Just one. You know. So there's more friction.

**Joohoney**

LIL HYUNG LAKJSFKLA

Do it

Ride it until you come

And when you do

Then I'll ride you

**Lil Ki**

You'll –

I thought you were scared to do that!

Last time we talked about sex, you almost yeeted me across me the room!

What happened?

**Joohoney**

You happened

**Lil Ki**

(softly) Oh my god.

**Joohoney**

UwU

**Lil Ki**

I can't believe my boyfriend wants to romantically ride my dick.

**Joohoney**

I might yeet you again if it hurts tho

**Lil Ki**

It's okay. I can take it.

**Joohoney**

Same, hopefully

**Lil Ki**

Alright. Alright, don't worry.

This will be you swimming in lube.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿ヽ(°□° )ノ︵‿︵‿︵‿

**Joohoney**

AISKJGA SHUT THE FUCK UP HYUNG

**Lil Ki**

Shhh.

No swear words now.

Only safewords.

**Joohoney**

I hate you, Yoo Kihyun

But

Lovingly :<

**Lil Ki**

!!!!!!!!

I love you too, Lee Jooheon.

**Author's Note:**

> I lurk [here](https://twitter.com/mrtvej_pes)


End file.
